I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
