I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now