today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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