moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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