mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm getting married
To pizza
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
