So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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