Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
