gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
