I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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