He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
