worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
