My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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