I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
