I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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