I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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