quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
