literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
