he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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