At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
