she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
too bad you live with your parents still
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
