Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
