we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
