I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
