I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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