Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
