i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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