I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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