My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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