it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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