my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
All the doctor said was why
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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