Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
