So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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