**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
