one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
