she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
