just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
