I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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