My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
