can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
