but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
