yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
