I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
