Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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