I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
jump out the window naked night went bad
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