Kiss
Puke
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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