I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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