I think I am morally bankrupt
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
