i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
