tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
