So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
