you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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