I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
